Gays will hit on you, Dad says.

Alrighty, here's the scene. It's Saturday and I'm freshly showered, ready to go out. At the time, all I was wearing was a pair of dodgy briefs, owing to a shortage of washed sexy underwear. Yeah, it was a bit of a Bridget Jones-unsexy underwear situation, but at the opposite end of the spectrum.

So as I ran to my bedroom from the bathroom to cover up my shame, Mum wolf-whistled. Har har. Then Dad, calling from the living room, said the strangest thing.

"You're a sexy boy", he said. I was like, erm okay. Odd. I didn't think much of it, and hurried into my room and closing the door behind me. It's always a nice thing to hear, I suppose. But from your own father? And that wasn't the end of it.

"Miiike", he called, in his trademark broken English. "I want to talk to you". So I pulled on a pair of boardies and headed out.

"You're a sexy boy," he said again. "You know, to the gays". Gosh, if only.

Mum and I looked at each other knowingly and laughed. See, Mum and I don't often talk about me and gayness, but when it does come up, she isn't usually all that happy about it. So maybe now she's okay with having gay son. At least enough to laugh about it. Le sigh.

Anyway, Dad (to whom I'm not out to) regaled us with stories from the old country, from when he was a strapping young lad. Apparently in his younger days when he was out on the town, he was often stalked by homosexuals wanting to get into his pants. Puh-lease. I've seen photos, and he wasn't all that. I don't see what the axe-wounded half of the species ever saw in him, let alone the über-critical eye of the fag.

So he was warning me about the dangers of the gays. "They'll only want to use you", he says, "for your body and your money".

Really? All gays? Gosh, I'd like to think I'm a little deeper than that.


Listening to:
Title: What Do You Do With a B.A. in English?/It Sucks to Be Me
Artist: Original Broadway Cast
Album/station: Avenue Q (2003)
Length: 5.55